How to Keep People From Mashing Your Buttons

I’ve seen many people handle situations very poorly when they don’t get their way.

Think about the last time that you were in a store or some other public place, and a small child was throwing a temper tantrum. Embarrassing, right? As uncomfortable as it is to watch a child have a small meltdown, it is even more problematic for an adult. Sure, there are less tears, screaming, and flailing of limbs – but not always.

In the unfortunate case of the adult temper tantrum, the source of the problem is the same as in the toddler: poor thinking. This idea that exists in the mind that “I will always get my way” is the source of so much frustration and bad behavior. While I am not completely sure of where this way of thinking comes from, I can tell you I suffer from it, just like many others you know, perhaps even yourself.

This very rigid way of thinking is unhelpful for many reasons, not the least of which is the triggering of our fight or flight mechanism.

When our rigid thoughts bump up against reality, things can get messy very quickly.

You Have 10 Seconds to Continue

I’ve heard everyone from parents to psychologists to presidents of the United States recommend that when a person becomes upset, it is best to just count to 10 before moving on in a calm, collected manner. I cannot speak for you, but I have been in many situations that 10 seconds is nowhere near enough time to settle down.

In fact, I think 10 days would be more appropriate.

A very common feature in arcade games is after you have lost a game, a 10 second countdown displayed on screen, giving you the chance to find another quarter, insert it into the machine, and hit start to continue.

The problem I faced with this screen, aside from seeing it all too often, was that it frazzled my nerves. It was an intense moment, where you shifted from concentrating all your focus on the game, to now having to fumble around to find and manipulate a quarter into the machine, while all your progress (and sometimes the fate of the world) hangs in the balance.

I don’t like countdowns.

The problem with both countdown scenarios, is that the emotional energy is already there. Once the emotion kicks in, our brains are working in fight or flight mode and our ability to function rationally is greatly hampered.

We start processing irrational thinking:

What if I don’t have any more quarters? What if the quarter gets stuck in my pocket? What if I drop it and it rolls under the machine? (“What if” scenario)

I have to continue! I cannot lose! I’ve just got to keep playing! (Absolute thinking)

So what? It’s just a game. It does not matter at all. Who cares, anyways? (Underreaction)

 

All these types of responses do nothing to help us. Typically, they only add to the stress and frustration.

How to Keep People from Mashing Your Buttons

When we start thinking along these lines, we still have not solved the problem, and in most cases, we have either escalated the anxiety substantially, or we have completely dismissed the situation all together (also not healthy).

So what does that leave us with? I’d like to recommend an approach that has changed my life. In How to Keep People from Pushing Your Buttons, Albert Ellis, proposes the idea of Realistic Preferences. Counting to 10 is not enough to keep people from pushing your buttons – you literally need to change the way you think.

I am a fan of all styles and genres of video games, but I really enjoy an occasional head-to-head match in a fighting game. While I am primarily a fan of the Street Fighter series, I also have a special place in my heart for Tekken.

When Tekken first came out in arcades, it really caught the attention of arcade goers in my area. I remember small crowds huddled around the game, loving the fast pace, flashy nature of the game. I was not very good at the first game, but by the time Tekken 3 was released, I had improved my skills considerably. I spent hours mastering moves and powerful combos and I thought I was ready to head to the arcade and take on the challengers.

Except that Tekken has a bit of a problem.

It seems that experienced and inexperienced players are on equal ground. The feels like it was designed in such a way, that a new player who just mashes their attack buttons randomly can overcome an experienced player, in a way that defies logic and all that is right in the world.

In the same way, we can find ourselves in arguments with others who seem to be saying random things just to upset us, meanwhile we are trying to use proper technique, explain our position and listen to theirs.

So how do you overcome this situation?

In some cases, you have to just let that 10 second countdown run out and walk away. For most situations, walking away in is not the best answer, and in many cases, it is not an option. When dealing with the most common examples, the best approach that I have found is adopting Realistic Preferences.

How Realistic Preferences Give You the Winning Edge

The mindset behind realistic preferences is acknowledging that in life, most of the things that upset us, the things that push our buttons, or that can set us off course, are really just violations of our own personal preferences.

When we think in the absolutes about things that “must” and “should” be, we create a line in the sand. When there is a line that is drawn, that means the line can also be crossed or broken. Sand really is not the best place to draw a long lasting line anyways.

Adopting a mindset of realistic preferences is not that difficult in concept. It can be as simple as changing your vocabulary.

“I have to win” vs. “I prefer to win”
“You cannot speak to me that way” vs. “I wish you would not speak to me that way.”

In the first example of each pair, we see a fixed, inflexible, and unrealistic thought. While I would like to win, there may be things that are outside my control. Sure, I need to do my best, but I also need to be open to the possibility that it might not end up the way I want.

Think about every time that you have heard a parent tell their children “I’m not going to repeat myself.” What happens? They repeat themselves, and are further upset by the fact that they are now a liar.

Usually, It’s Not The End Of The World

When we adopt a realistic preference mindset, we are able to face the reality that while things might not go the way that we prefer, it really is not the end of the world. This realization makes a surprising difference in our emotional investment of the outcome.

That being said, there are still decisions and events in life that really are that important, or tied to consequences that can be life altering or even life ending.